Raisons d’être: Beyond the Light – Chapter 7: What’s This Mess? (1)

I stared somewhere over Estelle’s shoulder, blankly. Life is unpredictable, and misfortune is a part of life. I know that, and I can’t deny or argue with that. However, dealing with Kieran was more difficult than practicing speaking or participating in a 100-kilometer crawling race. 

Right after Kieran and Nouvel’s departure, Estelle immediately approached and hugged me, it was really soothing in a certain way. 

“It is a little strange, she didn’t cry in front of the emperor.”  Latte, who just approached us said, “She doesn’t usually cry, but still… that pressure…” 

“She recognized him even when she was still young.” Estelle claimed. 

Their gazes fell on me, gripping my soul. And I gave them a big burp and a small chuckle in return, it was almost like instinctual behavior in my case. 

“That he is her father.” She added. 

Well, about that… 

I did not feel good because they were under the impression that I was a genius baby who could recognize my own father in an instant.  

This kind of delusion was not good! 

Even after the sun went down, and the day turned to night, my stomach still felt uncomfortable thanks to the anxiety that haunted me; it feels like nausea, but I don’t want to throw up, and I still feel bloated even though I have burped many times.  

Yesterday, soon after Kieran left, a violent feeling of anguish towards my life rushed through me. So, the conclusion I came to was: If you wish to kill me now, kill me quickly and painlessly. But… If I could, I want to survive and experience the feeling of freedom… So, a solution that came at the same time was to continue playing cute, to steal Kieran’s heart. After all, he did let me go after hearing me blurt out ‘Papa’. 

Still, was this really the best solution I had? Maybe. Or perhaps unintentionally, I might have shortened my life span instead.  

“I just wish…” 

Estelle murmured, while stroking my cheek with a serious face. I giggled, and a soft smile quickly spread across her lips. 

“I just wish he has a bit of warmth to love this little baby.” 


I think that would be hard. It’s a shame, but he doesn’t have that. 

If possible, I would want to say something like that to Estelle. I mean it’s okay to be optimistic, but don’t forget to also stay realistic, because if you expect too much, it will only hurt you in the end. Moreover, her expectations were placed on Kieran. If it were anyone else, I think there’d still be a possibility, but we’re not talking about anyone else, we’re talking about Kieran! 

Kieran is a crazy bastard.  

A maniac, the worst of the worst. There were some who said he would feel differently towards his own children, and I’ve heard that even beasts felt compassion towards their babies. However, that sentiment was completely shattered when he tried to strangle me a year ago, and on top of that, he still tried to do so yesterday. 


My move to the Bay Wreath Palace became a hot topic for gossip by the nobility and palace’s workers. Most of the workers remained in the Iris palace; only Estelle, Latte, and I were moved to the Bay Wreath Palace since the emperor didn’t like crowds and wanted his palace to remain calm and quiet. 

A few weeks passed, but Kieran and I remained the same. After our scary second meeting, the emperor unexpectedly came to visit me. It wasn’t a long visit, but surprisingly it became routine, and he would come by around two to three times a week.  

Sometimes he would come, see me and leave; other times, he would come, talk nonsense to me and leave; and others still, he would come, then leave immediately. This is a routine that he does, and I would force myself to smile at him as if I liked his visits and welcome him warmly. Something else consistent, he never comes alone, since Nouvel would definitely be by his side until Kieran orders him to wait outside with the others–Estelle and Latte. 

For me, he was a pain in the ass. Unlike Estelle who was still anxious and worried, Latte seems to be inwardly pleased with him. Well, I know why. Although I am his child, my position is vague and equivocal, because I am not the daughter of an officially married couple. 

Yes, that was what it is.  

Today, he came to visit me, he stared at me lazily with his crimson-red eyes that radiated a terrible glint. I was in a position between accustomed to and not; my fear of him was obviously still not diminished, but his beauty is utterly amazing. 

“You are not sleeping.” 

I raised my head, and we met eyes.  

Shoot, I’m sorry.  

I misjudged; I was really not used to it. 

Actually, I still feel scared enough to faint, but I don’t think he’s looking down on me because he wants to kill me, but his eyes say otherwise… and he, himself makes the inconsistency terrifying. 

“Is it because I am here?” 


Really? Why are you so sure?  

Besides, where did you even get that confidence from? I’m sorry to let you down, but do you know what? If I could, I would want to be asleep whenever you come, so I don’t have to deal with you. 

“Those unpleasantly red eyes…” 

What? Dude, I got them from you.  

“Are a little bit different.” 

I got it from you, you red-eyed monster. 

“I heard all babies cry nonstop.” 

Yeah, that was normal. Secretly, I nodded, agreeing with him.  

Of course, he didn’t seem to notice it. 

Boo hoo, why was I just a baby? I couldn’t stand my grief and turned my head away from him, and at that moment his serious voice fell over me. 

“Does your intelligence run a little low?” 

Oh, you son of a b*tch! 

His index finger loosely touched his side cheek and put his thumb on his chin, while the other fingers covered his mouth. He looked at me like he was analyzing something with that flat gaze of his. 

“I think you got a bit chubbier since I last saw you.” 

Dude, we met 5 days ago. What are you talking about? While thinking things like that, my behavior showed the opposite attitude; I laughed at him beautifully, while holding back my annoyance. Every time I interact with him, the contents of my head and the attitude that I display are always completely different. I think if this continues over time, I might develop identity disorder 

“Pity.” I said. 

Correction: Pretty. I guess thanks to my short tongue, the words of praise ended up turning into insults. I don’t mean it turned out that way, but it sounded nice though. But, in reality, my actions and guts are inversely proportional; my heart beats faster, maybe without me knowing I was asking him to kill me right away. Not only me, even Estelle and Nouvel, who stood behind him seem to be nervous too. 


I quickly changed the topic and called out to him with a cheerful and happy tone. I held out my little hands to him, as if I were asking to be held. Meanwhile, he just stared at me intently in return, with a strange look in his eyes that I couldn’t read or guess, what the heck was that? 

Thankfully, the awkward silence was broken by a knock on the door. Without turning to look at the door or changing the direction of his gaze, which was still fixed on me; Kieran responded, “Come in.” 

“Greetings His Majesty the Emperor, May blessings and glory be with the Monarch of Kryfi Empire.” said the man, after he knelt on one knee–showing the courtesy of a knight, right after entering the room. 

Kieran had been putting on a flat, calm expression when he was dealing with me. As he turned his head, his face withered, his calm demeanor gradually turned cold. With just a glace from Kieran, the knight’s shoulders hunched, and his body stiffened.  

Look, look… even adults are terrified of his gaze, let alone me. They didn’t even make eye contact, and the knight already resembles a shivering cat.  

Now, can you imagine how I feel every time I make eye contact with him?  

Well, maybe everyone who dealt with him would feel that way… But strangely, that doesn’t apply to Nouvel, who simply looked fine. 

“The remaining traitors who escaped have been captured and have arrived-” 

“Set a date and have them execute.” His voice was more callous than ever. Frightened, I forcefully swallowed the horror I felt.  

“Yes, Your Majesty.” 

As he was leaving, Kieran caught a glimpse of me. It only happened in a short span of time, but I froze, and my breath stuck in my throat. 

He is damned scary! 

I sighed with relief. With this, I survived another day. 


[A/N] Kieran keep acting out of his character? What thought was running through his head that made him act that way and why? Was it just a temporary attraction out of boredom or…

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About KeiRhee

Absurd, best described him and how we fell in love. Creo quia absurdum est.

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